Defining success as an artist + mother

As a stay-at-home mom who is also trying to run an art business, I feel like I am straddling two worlds. I have friends who are home with their kids exclusively + I have friends who work full time. 

Both have their hardships + rewards. But I have very few friends who are home every day with their kids AND entrepreneurs trying to work on their own businesses.

So when I’m comparing myself to others, I’m actually holding myself up against these women who aren’t doing the same thing as me. I’m comparing apples to oranges. No wonder I feel like I’m constantly falling short.

My business was less than a success in 2019 + 2020 (I literally lost money), which was a huge blow to my ego + confidence. Cue me crying over being a failure + questioning everything. 

Like, what was I doing wrong if being a stay-at-home mom was so hard + I couldn’t run a profitable business?

The programming for equating hours worked to a grade or money earned runs deep.⁣ To paraphrase Mary Laura Philpott in I Miss You When I Blink, what was my value without a name on a report card or a paycheck?

And also…

Why is it so hard?

Why am I so burned out?

Why doesn't this make me happy?

Why am I not a success?

I've been balancing the freelance-artist/business-owner role with the responsibilities of being a stay-at-home mom for almost 8 years. Some days, I still find myself envious of the stay-at-home moms who are exclusively raising their children or the working moms who get to leave all day long + go do their work.

The reality is that, with small children, we are all in the weeds.

My kids are 4 + almost 8 and I am clearing the weeds. I already have regrets about how these years have felt. I wish I could have felt like being home with my kids was enough without the added stress of feeling like I needed to be making money with the time + effort that I put into my artwork. ⁣

Just last year, in 2022, I started finding some peace in being present with my kids + being okay that work can just be making art rather than looking at the money assigned to it.

I feels like I am just figuring it out + the light at the end of this season of littles isn’t too far away.

From here, I can see how thick the weeds really are + I can feel things starting to shift. It feels different as the needs of my kids change + their physical need for me lessens.

I actually have the opportunity to experience solitude + quiet. What a difference that makes!

Now, when I get quiet + listen, my intuition answers those questions:

It feels hard because it is hard. I am doing one full-time job during the day with my kids + then I’m asking myself to take on another full-time job to run my business. 

I feel burned out because I have been reluctant to admit that my responsibilities as a mother to a child with a hearing difference uses energy that I wish I could spend in other ways. The work I do for my daughter, Josie, to support her growth + well-being uses energy that is then not available for other things. In the past, I have pushed my energy reserves to just keep managing our household responsibilities alongside my business deadlines + the consequence is burnout.

I don’t feel happy because doing all the things does not align with my values. I’ve noticed a disconnect from societal messaging telling us to do more + what I knew to feel true for me. Moving toward doing less + letting go of that pressure has led to more peace, joy + happiness. There is more space for these feelings to exist when I do less.

I don’t feel like a success because I’ve been chasing someone else’s definition. I always thought that if I followed the formula of working hard to get good grades, I’d be rewarded with a good-paying job + success would be mine. But I did not experience success like that. It turns out, I never defined what success looks like for me. What I’ve found to be true is experiencing satisfaction in my work is what success feels like. I want to feel good about what I’m achieving + feel good achieving it.

Identifying these truths + accepting these realities has gone a long way in setting better expectations for myself.

When I find myself comparing my experience with other mothers, I know it’s time to check-in with my own reality. The only life I’m living is mine + I get to choose how I experience it.